Dear Negative Self-talk, It’s not you – it’s me (11/4/15)

Dear Negative Self-Talk,

It’s not you, it’s me. Really, this time it’s me.

I’ve listened to your lies, your negative comments, thoughts, and criticisms for far too long.

I’ve let you undermine my confidence, tell me I couldn’t do things I wanted to, and made me become a wallflower in the dance of life.

Oh, I know – you were protecting me and keeping me from getting hurt. In case I got hurt, or failed.

But failure shows I am trying.

It shows I tried something new – even if it was horribly wrong and didn’t work out.

I’d rather fail trying than remain stuck in the quicksand of apathy.

But you tell me I will even fail at things I am good at, or that I am not qualified, not ready, or the kicker: someone can do it better.

I fall for that one a lot.

But the truth is, no one can do what I can do, just like I can’t do what someone else can. We all bring our own uniqueness, our own special gifts, talents, quirks, and intrinsic touches to things to no one else but us can produce.

You tell me I am not pretty enough, not thin enough, not rich enough and a host of other things that I am not ‘enough’ of.

I fall for those too, because I feel like life only deserves to be lived by those who are thin, pretty, and have a million dollars in the bank.

I know, deep down, that is a bunch of bunk, but it knocks the wind out of me when I see someone thinner and prettier doing the things I want to do. You are quick to tell me, “See, because you’re not enough is why you can’t have that.”

When I try to focus on the positives and what I do have, your whisper becomes a roar, “You aren’t enough, you aren’t good enough – give up! It won’t happen!”

And there are times, I let you rage and let those voices control my actions, running the gamut from hiding in my shell, scared to do anything because it will be wrong and I will fail.

Or hiding and being bitterly angry because I am not moving forward in any way and I am letting you manipulate me.

Angry because I am believing what you tell me, when I know it’s wrong.

It’s not something I would tell my best friend.

Heck, I wouldn’t even say these things to someone I didn’t like.

But, I wouldn’t say these things to my best friend and I sure wouldn’t let you say them to or about her, yet, I sit here and let these things play on repeat in my head every day.

And I have finally had enough.

So Negative Self Talk, we’re done.

I have grown tired of your control, your ego, and most of all, the way you make me feel day in and day out.

I am standing up for myself and finding a new truth. A new voice that encourages me, coaches me, and tells me to dream big because I can have it all.

I am no longer giving you space in my head to destroy my soul and tell me mistakes I made when I was younger are the reason I can’t succeed now. I’ve had enough of your guilt and your remorse. I think I’ve paid my penance in full, with plenty to spare.

It’s time to move on, to go our separate ways.

I am sure you will come around from time to time – trying to get your foot back in the door – but I am smarter this time. I am not going to listen to any of your convincing sweet talk to get back in.

I wish I could say it’s been fun, but the only thing I can say is I have learned a lot. About myself and how I deserve to be talked to, and how I won’t settle for anyone to talk to me like that again. The worst part is, I let you do it for so long.

So, it’s time to bid you adieu and wish you well. I hope you know it’s really not you; it’s me.

And I am believing for better for me now.